Tuesday, February 03, 2009

zombies do not want to eat your brains

Let's get something straight. Zombies do not want to eat your brains. 'What?' you say, 'but zombies LOVE brains, whenever I pretend to be a zombie, I'm always like "ughghghhhhhh braaaaaiiins", that's what zombies do'. Wrong. Zombies do not talk, for a start. Except for that one that says 'Hello Aunt Alicia' - we'll let that one slide. Also, they do not crave brains. Perpetuating this myth makes a mockery of the genre that I simply cannot allow to continue. So, I have swallowed the facts. Then I digested them, and this is what came out of the other end.

OK, so zombies do sometimes eat brains. I know I just said they didn't, but I am trying to make a point, for heaven's sake. Anyway, zombies do sometimes eat brains. They also sometimes eat feet, fingers, guts and anything else they can get their grubby undead hands on. The point is, a zombie would pretty much only eat your brain if your head had already been conveniently smashed in. A zombie won't take the time to bash your head in like a 4 minute egg when there's a nice bit of fresh neck on offer. That's because:

Zombies do not use tools. Except for that one that shot some guy. Don't try to pick holes in my argument, zombies aren't real, you idiot. Anyway, they don't use tools. Except for that one that smashed a window with a crowbar. Look, whatever. Imagine how hard it would be to gnaw through someone's skull. Why would you bother with that when you can just rip out their soft gizzards? Exactly.

Zombies reproduce by biting, which infects the victim with zombie germs. If the victim manages to get away, the resulting infection will eventually kill them, whereupon they become a zombie themselves. However, if said victim were overpowered by zombies and unable to escape, they would only be eaten until they became a zombie. There's no time for eating brains! We're talking lights out to re-animation in a matter of minutes. It's a cold, hard fact that zombies do not eat each other. If they did, you wouldn't have to worry about them so much. Note that I said 'you' wouldn't have to worry about them. Me? I'm not worried.

The myth that zombies crave brains above all other human meat arises from just one film - Return of the Living Dead. There are at least 307 zombie films in existence, meaning Return of the Living Dead makes up approximately 0.325% of zombie movie history. By allowing this fleeting side-step in the evolution of the zombie to perpetuate, we are grossly inflating the cinematic importance of this comedic shambles of a film.

In a nutshell - if you destroy the brain, you destroy the zombie. Therefore, if zombies went round eating people's brains, they would cease to be the exponentially reproductive threat that we all know they are. And that just doesn't make sense. So stop it.


Monday, February 11, 2008

picture box

I bought this last week for £3.99 from a charity shop, after picking it up and putting it down about a hundred times. Then I suddenly imagined somebody else coming in and buying it, and there I was, sprinting towards the till with it clutched in a white-knuckle grip. It might have been my imagination, but the old lady behind the counter seemed overly happy to see it go. I think it might be haunted.

I'm glad I bought it though, because even though I've never actually seen one of these in real life, I remember it well from my childhood. It's PICTURE BOX, from the children's educational TV show of the same name. And now I own it.

Picture Box featured the weirdest theme tune known to man, guaranteed to make you feel as if you were gently riding a fairground horse on a one-way trip into another dimension. It's called 'Manege' and it featured on this (1968?) album (which I have yet to find down the chazza, but I live in hope):

Francois Baschet was a sculptor who, along with his brother Bernard, invented and built loads of crazy experimental instruments. Jacques Lasry was a modernist composer. Together with Baschet's wife Yvonne, they were 'Structures Sonores Lasry Baschet'.

But I digress. Because while looking for the title sequence for Picture Box on YouTube, I discovered that it is EVEN WEIRDER than I remember. I don't even know what to say about it, except that when Alan Rothwell pipes up with his jovial

"Hello! Do you remember that scene from the film last week?"

you can be sure that somewhere in the depths of time, a hundred thousand mentally damaged schoolchildren are silently screaming


Watch it here, but don't say I didn't warn you.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007


As we all know, I have a vintage Raleigh Commando sitting in my hallway on flat tyres - I'm ashamed to admit I haven't ridden it since I bought it last year. My cycling mojo, it would seem, was stolen along with my Grifter. But it's coming back, oh yes.

Last night I had a dream that my brother got his hands on a brand new Raleigh Vektar, and I was unbelievably, furiously jealous. (This dream was probably due in part to the fact that our Matt recently picked up a signed John Piper print in a charity shop for £25, which turned out to be worth close to £2000, the JAMMY GET.)

When I woke up, I was compelled to check out the Vektar situation on th'internet, just in case the dream was a sign and I found one that was new old stock or mint in box for a fiver or something. I didn't. But I did find something else. Hang onto your hats bike fans, it's the ROADMASTER MOTOCYKE:

Wowsers. I'd never seen one of these before, although by all accounts they were pretty popular in America in the 1990s, clocking up more sales than any other 20" bike in US history. But there's more to this 1993 dreambike than meets the eye. For with a flick of a switch, the lucky owner could activate the MotoBlaster engine sound, enabling them to annoy the neighbours to their heart's content. I'm serious. You can watch this video here if you don't believe me.

Of course, underneath those moulded plastic fairings was a crummy old steel framed BMX style bike, which probably weighed a ton and certainly wasn't much to look at (see here for evidence).

Would I ride this bike? No*. Do I love it wrong, like Pepé Le Pew loves that cat? Yes. And that's about the long and short of it.

Incidentally, there's one for sale over at Re-Buy-Cycle, which just so happens to be the best bike shop in the world. If you decide to buy it, don't forget to ride it past my house so I can have a good laugh at you. Now go on! Get outta here!

*unless nobody was watching

Monday, April 30, 2007

forgotten music of the flumps

The Flumps, along with Fingerbobs and Bagpuss, was one of those programmes that made me feel a bit peculiar when I was a kid. Of course I now realise that was probably because they were designed to induce an unnatural state of soporific tranquility in children, like a dose of kiddie Valium. If you've ever watched The Joy of Painting you'll know what I'm talking about.

The music from the Flumps was written by Paul Reade, who is, incidentally, the composer of the theme to that other British classic, the Antiques Roadshow. Gay Soper, the programme's narrator, sings the songs in her lovely posh BBC voice. It was all very civilised, but with just a hint of melancholy.

I searched all over the internets to see if I could find any of these gems for sharing, but alas, there were none. So, by the power of Greyskull, I bring you the forgotten music of the Flumps. Wheels Turning Round, with its whimsical oboe stylings, is my favourite, but I have to give props to The Moon Alone for being perhaps the most pensive song ever to grace a children's television show. Enjoy. And then feel a bit weird.

Wheels Turning Round

The Moon Alone

More links:

Opening titles to the Flumps
Opening titles to Fingerbobs
The Music of Bagpuss
The Joy of Painting