Tuesday, February 03, 2009

zombies do not want to eat your brains

Let's get something straight. Zombies do not want to eat your brains. 'What?' you say, 'but zombies LOVE brains, whenever I pretend to be a zombie, I'm always like "ughghghhhhhh braaaaaiiins", that's what zombies do'. Wrong. Zombies do not talk, for a start. Except for that one that says 'Hello Aunt Alicia' - we'll let that one slide. Also, they do not crave brains. Perpetuating this myth makes a mockery of the genre that I simply cannot allow to continue. So, I have swallowed the facts. Then I digested them, and this is what came out of the other end.

OK, so zombies do sometimes eat brains. I know I just said they didn't, but I am trying to make a point, for heaven's sake. Anyway, zombies do sometimes eat brains. They also sometimes eat feet, fingers, guts and anything else they can get their grubby undead hands on. The point is, a zombie would pretty much only eat your brain if your head had already been conveniently smashed in. A zombie won't take the time to bash your head in like a 4 minute egg when there's a nice bit of fresh neck on offer. That's because:

Zombies do not use tools. Except for that one that shot some guy. Don't try to pick holes in my argument, zombies aren't real, you idiot. Anyway, they don't use tools. Except for that one that smashed a window with a crowbar. Look, whatever. Imagine how hard it would be to gnaw through someone's skull. Why would you bother with that when you can just rip out their soft gizzards? Exactly.

Zombies reproduce by biting, which infects the victim with zombie germs. If the victim manages to get away, the resulting infection will eventually kill them, whereupon they become a zombie themselves. However, if said victim were overpowered by zombies and unable to escape, they would only be eaten until they became a zombie. There's no time for eating brains! We're talking lights out to re-animation in a matter of minutes. It's a cold, hard fact that zombies do not eat each other. If they did, you wouldn't have to worry about them so much. Note that I said 'you' wouldn't have to worry about them. Me? I'm not worried.

The myth that zombies crave brains above all other human meat arises from just one film - Return of the Living Dead. There are at least 307 zombie films in existence, meaning Return of the Living Dead makes up approximately 0.325% of zombie movie history. By allowing this fleeting side-step in the evolution of the zombie to perpetuate, we are grossly inflating the cinematic importance of this comedic shambles of a film.

In a nutshell - if you destroy the brain, you destroy the zombie. Therefore, if zombies went round eating people's brains, they would cease to be the exponentially reproductive threat that we all know they are. And that just doesn't make sense. So stop it.



  1. Well said!!! I'm guessing you've read World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie Wars?

  2. yes! i absolutely loved that book. I can't wait for it to be made into a film, if they get it right it will be AWESOME.

  3. Very funny. Very very funny. That's my first belly laugh of the day. Perhaps my only. It'll do. :-)

  4. that's MR brains to you. and no.

  5. Yes, yes, yes. You are right.

    But I have to admit that I am guilty of perpetuating the stereotype that zombies love brains. It's just too fun to make brain-shaped things (like my catnip-filled, brain-shaped catnip toys that are supposed to be for "zombie" kitties).

    The image of a zombie eating brains has become iconic. Even though it doesn't make any sense logically.

  6. So very well said!

    In that stoopid movie the zombies are all made because the military spilled some toxic stuff over a bridge if I remember rightly. Pah!

  7. The brain stuff is just perpetuated as a comedic anti-zombie stereotype. SO SAD.