Friday, December 01, 2006

the following post contains mild sarcasm

I was at work, trying to find out if there are any sex scenes in 'Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas' (it's my JOB, I tell you), when I suddenly remembered the marvellously entertaining website kids-in-mind. This is a parental resource site that analyses film content, essentially boiling it down to ONLY the sex, nudity, violence, gore and profanity - each instance of which is expanded upon in great detail. Are you with me so far? These reviews cut out everything except the GOOD bits, and it makes for hilarious reading.

Thinking of settling your kids in front of the TV to watch 'Barney's Great Adventure'? You may change your mind after you discover the hidden horrors of the narrative:

"Barney and the kids ... are trying to recover a mysterious egg which is in danger of getting cracked numerous times. A runaway chariot runs into a clown. Reckless driving and property damage."

Now, a runaway chariot running over a clown does sound appealing, but the egg thing? That would just be too much for me. I'll be steering clear of this one.

Wondering whether to let your kids watch 'Superman Returns'? Only if you want to warp their tiny little minds with outright FILTH:

"A woman says, "I've done Superman" not meaning sexually but people listening misunderstand ... It is suggested that a man and a woman have had a sexual relationship in the past ... A man burps."

CALL THE POLICE!! A man and a woman may have had a sexual relationship in the past! Scrub my eyes, someone! SCRUB MY EYES!

Things really start to hot up when we try to decide whether 'Shaun of the Dead' is suitable toddler fodder, only to discover that during the course of the movie:

"Many zombies crowd toward several people ... A man flatulates several times ... A man is hit in the forehead with a crumpled beer can ... A man lunges at a man and yells at him. A man and a woman argue, and a man yells at a man."

Is many zombies crowding toward several people worse than a few zombies crowding toward not many people? I can't process this information. My brain is melting. 'A man yells at a man'?? does that really matter after we have witnessed a man and a man beating two zombies to death with a spade and a cricket bat? Does any of that stuff matter? I DON'T THINK IT DOES, DOES IT?

The slackers amongst you might find it heartening to know that the 'moral' of Shaun of the Dead is that 'Taking charge of extreme situations with nonchalance may help you get the girl in the end.' Oh yeah.

I've saved the best until last here, because 'The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie' scores 4/10 for violence & gore, and 3/10 for sex & nudity. I don't really know how to describe the synopsis that follows. I mean, really. Imagine someone turning up to a meeting and pitching this as a storyline:

"A starfish has a crush on a mermaid and tells her that she's 'hot.' A starfish wears fishnet thigh-high stockings and black boots and a sponge stands beneath his legs singing. A starfish asks a mermaid if she wants to see his underwear... A sponge brushes a squid's back in a shower. A starfish puts something in his pants that causes a large protrusion in the back. A sponge pulls a starfish's pants down (we see bare buttocks). A starfish with no pants carries a flag with the stick between his bare buttocks. We see a starfish with no pants (bare buttocks are exposed). The back of a sponge's pants falls open revealing his bare buttocks .... We see a sponge in his underpants."

Hang on a minute - we see a SPONGE IN HIS UNDERPANTS? Shouldn't there be some kind of warning on the box? But wait! Before you deny your offspring the opportunity to witness a sponge slapping a crab, or a henchman pulling the lips off of two fish, consider the message this movie has to offer. Namely:

"Even without possessing any hint of intelligence or any talent, you can still succeed if you try."
It just warms my heart.

19 comments:

  1. Thank you for giving me a laugh-out-loud moment for my morning!! This is hysterical. I had no idea this website exists. I read the violence description for Kill Bill Vol. 1; it's just so straightforward ("A woman cuts off another woman's arm"). Awesome post.

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  2. Brilliant.

    Guess the film:
    "A male and female monster flirt and kiss briefly. A monster kisses another monster a couple of times."

    Ahh it's so disgusting you've probably never seen it. No, it's not Muffy the Vampire Slayer or even that filthy bestial Little Mermaid.

    It's Monsters Inc.

    Pixar want to warp young minds.

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  3. yes! guess the film! why didn't I think of this! Ok...

    "A dead body is discovered floating in water, and a police officer pokes it in the crotch with a stick ... A man touches a man's hair (to see if his curls are natural or a perm) ... we see a man sitting on another man's back (both are bare-chested) riding him like a horse."

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  4. wicked funny! and the best line of all - at the bottom of the Sponge Bob review after all else is said and done:

    (Note: Fish are shown drinking in a bar.)

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  5. This blog post made me laugh so hard that I had an asthma attack. I'm gonna see if Ican put a health warning on it.

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  6. Hmmm.
    Your film.


    Rugrats In Paris?

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  7. oh HOW I WISH that were correct

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  8. A car kisses another car on the cheek.
    A character talks about two cars "getting cozy." A car says, "I wanna get a look at that sexy hot rod." A car sings a children's song about two cars "kissing." A car talks about being able to see another car's "dirty under carriage."

    Its a hard one, I know

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  9. Face, It sounds a bit like Crash before the studios got a hold of it and made it all commerical.

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  10. They missed a lot of stuff with Sean of the Dead. What about the zombies disemboweling the guy who has the hots for Liz? That seems worse than both yelling AND farting.

    I'm having this strange conflation of Sponge Bob and sponge-worthy that is very disturbing.

    Sounds like you have a sick job. There's a lot more than sex to be worried about in Fear and Loathing. I came out of that movie conviced I was tripping and really freaked out that people were going to know about it. I had to eat a fresh salad to feel better.

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  11. Oh, Han. Thank you so much for this.
    Check out the review for Jackass The Movie.
    It actually made me cry.

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  12. I still can't figure out your film though, cakey han. (Can I call you that?)
    Something with Kevin Costner?

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  13. Anything parents can do, Christian parents can take to the extreme Christian Analysis of American Culture - Movie Reports

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  14. Antoine, you are the WINNER!

    You have won the opportunity to make informed decisions about the films you intend to watch, without exposing yourself to harmful 'sex radiation'.

    In fact, we're all winners.

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  15. I really like this game. i think face's film is Pixars "Cars", though i can't be sure cos i've never seen the film. I can't wait to start making some informed decisions. They're the best.

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  16. I like this blog. It's full of fun and games.

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  17. Tee-hee! Just checked out that christian site, it's just as funny! ""Lets ([homo]sexual intercourse)" at least four times." "A giant talking female private organ." and "Death by gunfire to the face." particularly ammused me.

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