I was at work, trying to find out if there are any sex scenes in 'Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas' (it's my JOB, I tell you), when I suddenly remembered the marvellously entertaining website kids-in-mind. This is a parental resource site that analyses film content, essentially boiling it down to ONLY the sex, nudity, violence, gore and profanity - each instance of which is expanded upon in great detail. Are you with me so far? These reviews cut out everything except the GOOD bits, and it makes for hilarious reading.
Thinking of settling your kids in front of the TV to watch 'Barney's Great Adventure'? You may change your mind after you discover the hidden horrors of the narrative:
"Barney and the kids ... are trying to recover a mysterious egg which is in danger of getting cracked numerous times. A runaway chariot runs into a clown. Reckless driving and property damage."
Now, a runaway chariot running over a clown does sound appealing, but the egg thing? That would just be too much for me. I'll be steering clear of this one.
Wondering whether to let your kids watch 'Superman Returns'? Only if you want to warp their tiny little minds with outright FILTH:
"A woman says, "I've done Superman" not meaning sexually but people listening misunderstand ... It is suggested that a man and a woman have had a sexual relationship in the past ... A man burps."
CALL THE POLICE!! A man and a woman may have had a sexual relationship in the past! Scrub my eyes, someone! SCRUB MY EYES!
Things really start to hot up when we try to decide whether 'Shaun of the Dead' is suitable toddler fodder, only to discover that during the course of the movie:
"Many zombies crowd toward several people ... A man flatulates several times ... A man is hit in the forehead with a crumpled beer can ... A man lunges at a man and yells at him. A man and a woman argue, and a man yells at a man."
Is many zombies crowding toward several people worse than a few zombies crowding toward not many people? I can't process this information. My brain is melting. 'A man yells at a man'?? does that really matter after we have witnessed a man and a man beating two zombies to death with a spade and a cricket bat? Does any of that stuff matter? I DON'T THINK IT DOES, DOES IT?
The slackers amongst you might find it heartening to know that the 'moral' of Shaun of the Dead is that 'Taking charge of extreme situations with nonchalance may help you get the girl in the end.' Oh yeah.
I've saved the best until last here, because 'The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie' scores 4/10 for violence & gore, and 3/10 for sex & nudity. I don't really know how to describe the synopsis that follows. I mean, really. Imagine someone turning up to a meeting and pitching this as a storyline:
"A starfish has a crush on a mermaid and tells her that she's 'hot.' A starfish wears fishnet thigh-high stockings and black boots and a sponge stands beneath his legs singing. A starfish asks a mermaid if she wants to see his underwear... A sponge brushes a squid's back in a shower. A starfish puts something in his pants that causes a large protrusion in the back. A sponge pulls a starfish's pants down (we see bare buttocks). A starfish with no pants carries a flag with the stick between his bare buttocks. We see a starfish with no pants (bare buttocks are exposed). The back of a sponge's pants falls open revealing his bare buttocks .... We see a sponge in his underpants."
Hang on a minute - we see a SPONGE IN HIS UNDERPANTS? Shouldn't there be some kind of warning on the box? But wait! Before you deny your offspring the opportunity to witness a sponge slapping a crab, or a henchman pulling the lips off of two fish, consider the message this movie has to offer. Namely:
"Even without possessing any hint of intelligence or any talent, you can still succeed if you try."It just warms my heart.