I never was much of a girly girl. That's why as a kid, enamoured of the cool cowboy in the adverts, there was a time when all I wanted in the world was to bite through the chocolate on a TEXAN bar, and "chew, real slow".
When I finally managed to persuade my Mum to buy me one I was unprepared for the possibility that my undeveloped jaw muscles would, in fact, be no match for the mighty chew. I was literally too feeble to eat it, and the task of polishing it off duly passed to my brother, who was obviously more of a cowboy than I was - a realisation which I did not find particularly pleasing at the time.
Legend has it that the miner's strikes of 1984 somehow brought about the demise of the Texan bar - a weak attempt by Nestlé to blame a poor marketing decision on Thatcher's Britain, if you ask me. But anyway, the mighty TEXAN bit the dust, leaving generations of children clueless as to how to outwit a bunch of Native Americans using only confectionery.
Until now. Turns out, due to popular demand, the Texan bar has been re-released for six weeks only. I found this out when I unwittingly stumbled upon one while buying Lucozade for my Sunday morning hangover.
I won't beat around the bush. I think Nestlé are taking the piss here. For a start, the re-released Texan bar is no larger than a Milky Way. WRONG! Texan bars were way bigger. Don't try to fob me off with the old 'you had smaller hands back then' hooey either. Nothing truly Texan could possibly be so small because we all know that everything in Texas is MASSIVE.
The re-released Texan bar costs 40p. WRONG! Texan bars are only 6p, and they don't come with free 'retro ringtones' either, because ringtones haven't been invented yet, dammit. Finally, insultingly, the re-released Texan bar is no chewier than a Curly fucking Wurly. COME OFF IT Nestlé - if I wanted a Chomp, I'd have bought a Chomp. In fact, I could have bought 4 for the price of one of your so-called Texans. Pah.
The bottom line is this. If it's not chewy enough to thwart a young girl's dreams of becoming a cowboy, it's not a real TEXAN. And that's all I have to say on the matter.