Monday, July 04, 2005

a shadowy flight into the dangerous world of a bike that I do not own

So, my front bike tyre has developed an unsightly, not to mention dangerous, hernia. The tyres on my bike are almost completely bald. They are, like, 25 years old or something. I had been holding out on buying new ones because I wanted some original Raleigh Grifter tyres, but it's looking like I'm gonna have to get myself some cheapo BMX tyres to tide me over. I have already compromised my bike's historical integrity by fitting it with new and inauthentic brake blocks. Don't tell anyone.
Me and my bike have been together for a year. In that time we have had many adventures. There was that time it slipped out of gear and I smashed my kneecap into the handlebars and had to get off and sit down for a bit until I stopped feeling funny. Then there was that time we went on a LONG ride up some very steep hills and then just as we were getting ready to come back I got a puncture and we had to walk back down instead of gaily hurtling down at 40mph as was the original plan. Then last week, during a thunderstorm of biblical proportions, I misjudged a kerb and careered through the air, dashing myself on the wet gravelly pavement. Upon impact I expelled a surprising noise, like a kicked bagpipe. Yep, I love my bike.
Yet despite this, once again my eye has been wandering. You might want to sit down or something, because LOOK AT THIS:

holy moly

Woah. The Raleigh Vektar. The bike of choice for overprivileged 80's kids. The one in this picture sold on eBay recently for £36. £36!!!! I am in love with this bike. I MUST have one. You see, this Battlestar Galactica beauty not only LOOKS like a bike you might ride around on in space, it sports some futuristic Knight Rider technology in the form of THIS control panel:

'I have a bad feeling about this, Michael...'

According to the spiel on this eBay sale, the onboard computer features elapsed time, distance travelled, speed and maximum speed achieved. Optional add-ons include a Computer Module accessory pack (trip meter, speedo) Radio Accessory pack (3 preset AM stations) and - OH MY GOD - Sound Synthesiser with 8 built in digital sounds, paddle, shifter and speakers.
And so my obsession begins. You see, in my mind, this bike can go up to 300mph. It is equipped with a bullet and flame resistant protective shell. It can drive itself, and has the ability to jam electronic signals. It has auto-pursuit & auto collision avoidance, radar, sonar and x-ray surveillance capabilities and is programmed never to take a human life.
Dear God, if you can fix it for me to find one of these in a skip I promise to spend 4 hours a week on a crusade to champion the cause of the innocent, the helpless and the powerless, in a world of criminals who operate above the law. Mint condition please, and it has to have that synthesiser.


  1. It is so beautiful I want to cry.

  2. I got one, same as pic but with red frame and missing the rubber 'thingy' that covers the headstock. What do you want to pay, I've seen these go for three figure sums

  3. I had one, I had one!!!!! It was the best bike ever - and I mean EVER! Rain did get into the electronics and fuck it up, but it was amazing. Why does nothing like this exist now? Thanks for posting these pictures! I'm astonished to see it again!