Wednesday, January 05, 2005

demon seed

Blah blah New Year's Eve blah blah really drunk blah blah ELO blah blah. Never mind that. I am getting a NEW COMPUTER. I have finally HAD IT with this hand-me-down piece of crap. Now I'm not the least technological person in the world, but over the years I have been forced to tolerate more and more of my computer's unreasonable behaviour.
My computer has major issues. I do not have time to deal with them. I want to be able to plug things in and for them to WORK - is that too much to ask? I don't want to spend time poking around my computer's brain, telling it that everything is going to be OK, gently coaxing it back to health. I want it out there breaking rocks in the hot sun. Gah.
As we all know, computers are supposed to be our faithful servants. We shouldn't be feeling sorry for them like I-Robot or Blade Runner or Short Circuit or Weird Science or something*. No! We must ruthlessly FORCE them to do our bidding, and if they cannot or will not comply, then we must endure them for several years until we have earned enough money at our crummy jobs to buy another one. I know it sounds harsh, but we deserve nothing less.
Well that time is nigh, people. Things are going to change around here. I sense a great disturbance in the force (in approximately one week).

*UPDATE: the exception to this is of course the veritable robotic tragedy that is silent running. Those poor l'il bastards...


  1. HA HA HA!!! Yes! Fuck computers! Make them your bitch! Technology is so fucking annoying; god damn my reliance on it... TO HELL!!!

  2. Computers are evil satan spawns that will tempt us straight into a hell that never existed before they were invented. Ask anyone.

  3. I love computers but they do have to follow the rules or they get a stingy slap on the legs.

  4. I got very bored and depressed, so I went and plugged myself in to its external computer feed. I talked to the computer at great length and explained my view of the Universe to it. It committed suicide.
    It hated me because I talked to it.
    One moment I was sitting in your ship feeling very depressed, and the next moment I was standing here feeling utterly miserable.
    Just think, they left me, an ordinary, menial robot, to stop you, a gigantic heavy-duty battle machine, whilst they ran off to save themselves. What do you think they would leave me with?
    The first ten million years were the worst, and the second ten million years, they were the worst too. The third million years I didn't enjoy at all. After that I went into a bit of decline.
    Life. Don't talk to me about life.
    Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it.
    I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed.
    I'm not getting you down at all, am I?
    Pardon me for breathing, which I never do any way so I don't know why I bother to say it, oh God, I'm so depressed.
    Funny, how just when you think life can't possibly get any worse it suddenly does.
    Do you want me to sit in the corner and rust, or just fall apart where I'm standing?
    Would you like me to go and stick my head in a bucket of water?
    Life's bad enough as it is without wanting to invent any more of it.
    My capacity for happiness, you could fit it into a matchbox without taking out the matches first.
    Ha, but my life is a box of wormgears.
    Wearly I sit here, pain and misery my only companions.
    Why stop now just when I'm hating it?

  5. Deep... like Pacific Ocean.

  6. It's Marvin, innit?
    You knew that, right? ;-)

  7. I, for one, would like to see Marvin on Robot Wars - intimidating all and sundry with his robotic MC Hammer pants. ACTIVATE!!