Monday, July 12, 2004

hi ho silver

It's only a matter of time before I have some kind of accident on my bike. Danger mostly arises from my inclination to be going either AS FAST AS I POSSIBLY CAN or not moving at all.
Close calls I have had so far include: Several incidents involving my flares, chains, spokes and other sticking out parts of my bike around which things can be snagged, wound or twisted. This problem is aggravated by my wilful lack of cycle clips. Its not fair! I like to feel my trousers billowing in the wind! Why should they be stuffed into the confines of my socks?
The inhalation and involuntary consumption of insects. Only the other day I cycled through a (flock? school? murder?) of aphids and emerged with several of them stuck in my lip gloss. As you may imagine, much surprised and horrified onboard flailing ensued.
Another time I chewed a fly right into my gum before I quite realised what was going on. Then yesterday something LARGE collided with my face. It actually made me say 'OW'. You can simulate the effect by flicking yourself in the forehead. (Go on! I just did it!).
Hill + wet weather + unanticipated temporary rear brake failure = heart pounding emergency stop procedure to avoid careering into oncoming traffic. The bottom of my trainers were SMOKIN'. This maneuver was, however, quite skillfully executed to the point where any onlookers may have thought I had done it on purpose to show off. Please be assured that this was quite accidental.
Add to this a liberal peppering of gear slippage incidents. Picture this: You're cycling hard down the road, change gear, heave down on the pedal and BLAM!. The chain slips into no-mans-land and you are projected violently forwards. Frantic scrambling is required to prevent going over the handlebars. Not cool - this is the cycling equivalent of tripping up, only you can't even cover it up by looking angrily behind you at the pavement as if it wasn't your fault. What I do instead is look annoyed, stop and have a tinker with the chain as if I am some kind of cycle mechanic and this is something I anticipated might happen. Then, with a look that says 'What the fuck are you looking at? This bike is 22 years old for fuck's sake, not like your shite brand new full suspension faux futuristic piece of crap that'll last a year before you get sick of it and have to buy a NEW one' , I am back on my bike and poof! I am gone. Ye have not seen the last of me....

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